Love in a Time of Virus

Dear ones,

You are sheltering in place. I am too. We all are. In this strange new world, we are all trying to adapt and find our way. I think of you all out there at home with your spouse or partner, your kids, parents, neighbors, pets, and friends trying your best to get through this. I think of you standing at your sink, sighing through your anxious thoughts while scrubbing your dishes. Or I see you staying up too late scrolling through headlines, knowing this isn’t the best thing for you, but not being able to help it. I see you out there, in close quarters but still somehow feeling at times alone.

I am a relational therapist practicing and teaching Emotionally Focused Therapy. Working with relationships is an everyday lesson in the deepest truths of humanity. Seeing people in distress in their relationships and helping them in those places means that I see people at their very worst and at their very best, sometimes in the same hour. No matter how different people seem or how different the dynamics of their relationship, there are enduring truths that I see hour after hour, day after week after month after year. In recent weeks while everything feels uncertain, it has been comforting to me to find that these truths of the essence of humanity are still apparent. For me, these truths shine through all the chaos of this moment and continually reorient me towards what truly matters.

John Bowlby, the father of attachment science, taught us that fear primes the attachment system. What does this mean? To me it means that right now our attachment systems, which influence every other system in our bodies, are lit up like an airplane control board on a too-fast descent. And when our attachment systems are lit up, that’s when our relationships get really interesting. I am not surprised that China is reporting a surge in divorce right now. These conditions we are in are asking us to upgrade our relational abilities. In the last couple of weeks since this pandemic cast its enormous shadow over our planet, I have had days of feeling inspired to lead people through this dark time so that we can all emerge stronger, closer, more whole. But I have had just as many days when I felt I lost, sad and overwhelmed and that I had nothing to offer this conversation. Somewhere in between those moments is the edge I want to ride.

Maybe you know how to bring those people close and share your heart with them. Maybe you haven’t been really intimate in your relationship since you learned about flattening the curve. Or maybe you had a fight about something trivial and then another tangle too soon after. Maybe your partner seems just out of your reach right now or even more out of reach than before.

Fear doesn’t bring out the best in humans usually. Fear tears us apart, drives wars, sends us running for control and armoring up. Fear isn’t about reason, it’s about survival. Our attachment systems know that if we are afraid, we need to find those we love and bring them close. We can think our way out of feeling fear, but the price tag is that disconnection from ourselves leads to disconnection from those we love. When we turn away from fear we turn away from the deep and precious parts of ourselves. Within our fears live the young, precious parts of ourselves. The parts that have never forgotten how vulnerable we truly are. We are afraid of losing ourselves, each other, being lost, being found but not being loved. Can we let ourselves have moments where we listen to our fears? Fear and distress can bring us closer to the people we love if we are willing to be courageous and unflinchingly feel our fear. This is what I want to whisper in your ear as you stand at the sink. Or when you are in bed and reading yet another article about the virus. Feel what you feel. Stop the doing and make space. Feel it and then share it with someone you love.

As we go deeper into this dark time, I keep asking myself, what will I hold on to? We are being asked to let go of so much. Loss is all around us and more is coming. Some of this loss will be heartbreaking and some will be much needed. So as we are letting go, what will we hold on to? One handhold of certainty is our vulnerable nature as humans. What if we spend this time learning to be with uncertainty and fear, learning to reach for each other? How would the world look when we emerge?

Find a time when the light is dim and look into the eyes of someone important to you. Perhaps someone you would like to feel a bit closer to. Look into those eyes and let them look into yours. Breathe. Let your eyes and hearts do their work. If you want to say something, keep it simple. Say, “I am scared.” Eyes, heart, breath. See what happens next. If your beloved offers anything fast, solving, fixing or dismissing, try taking their hand. Tell them, “It’s ok, I just want you to be with me here. Will you hold me?” Fewer words, more eyes, heart, breath.

Do the best you can. Keep it simple. Three words are better than a paragraph. Eyes. Holding hands. Go slow. See if you can carve out space where there is nothing to solve and you can be. Let yourself feel what you feel and then share it. This is the underlying strategy that I use to help people rebuild their bonds every day. And it is the strategy I try to live up to in my personal relationships. Try it with me. Let’s hold hands and stay close and promise each other that when this is over, we will reenter the world in new ways.

Stay close,

Sharon